A Rut.

I’m lost. Again. It seems to be a more frequent occurrence in the past two years that I am just lost. I am 23, a grown woman with an almost degree and some life experiences behind me.  I have more than some people will every have, and more security I ever thought I was capable of having. I have my cat, my partner, my house and my car. This isn’t the problem. My problem is I have spent the last 3 and a bit years attempting to finish a University degree that I don’t know if I even want to be doing? I chose to go back to Uni in 2015 because screw working a shit hospitality job for the rest of my life. But where does that leave me now?

I chose a degree in Communications and Media because it wasn’t just a BA. Maybe there could be some career path or interest that would appear out of this choice? But alas, all this has created in an interest in the content of the cultural side of my degree, but a lack of direction in where I could possibly take it. In an ideal world, maybe I could continue learning new things, with no need to think about working for the man. But how else am I to make the money, to have job security enough that I could actually travel the world and see the things I want to see? That’s it though. I don’t want a lot of things. I just want to see amazing things, and do it with someone I love. I want to have time for my family, not spend what time I could have with them working for people who couldn’t care less that my family is the most important thing to me. A co-worker once bragged about how much she worked, how little she saw her partner.

Hey, if you didn’t want to work a Saturday to spend time with your boyfriend you barely see, maybe you shouldn’t work here? 

Well hey, maybe I prefer to spend time with people I love once in a fortnight as opposed to never seeing anyone ever? My priority is not work, as much as it should be. And honestly that’s probably a big part of why I’m struggling to find a path to go down regarding work. Why should I should the most time with people I’m forced into relationships with? Forced to talk to, forced to get along with especially when I don’t get along with a lot of people. My anxiety is so great that I can’t even think of applying for casual jobs to get me through Uni that aren’t hospitality, because I’m way too scared to try something else and fail. I know I can make coffee. And this comes to another part of me that sucks. I know what I can do – make coffee. That’s it. But I know that’s not all I can do but that’s the only thing I know how to tell people I can do. My degree? Well, I know there’s things in television, journalism, radio etc that I could do. But I look into grad positions, or into internships ( what little are offered) and you know what? I can’t apply my self into any of the necessary qualifications or traits they are requiring. I am not stupid, but what on earth have I just spent the last three years doing? I don’t know.

“What are you going to do with your degree when you finish uni?”

“- I don’t know.”

“Oh, ok”

I am not interested in anything. Not anything I can name really that could help in any way shape or form with my degree at least. I don’t have a passion for customer service, I hate people. I hate naggers, I hate complainers, I hate those who are just out there to cause misery. I hate bowing to other’s demands, as if my life is centred around making you happy.
I don’t have a passion for coffee, anymore. Hospitality ruined it. There’s a weird acceptance between us hospo workers that after a certain amount of time, cynicism and hatred of people is just the norm. If you have survived over 4 years in hospo and you actually like your job, you’re probably delusional. I’m sick of working for bosses who think they can get away with treating their employees like shit. Underpaying staff, not being fair and legal with break times, not paying on the books or paying on the books but still managing to fuck you over with tax or super. I’m over it. I mean my last hospitality job, I thought was ok. I wasn’t getting paid properly, but it was work and I need the money. But I call in sick, because I am so unfit for work in a cafe, and I lose my job. Over text. Thanks. Just typical hospitality shit, and that is the unfortunate truth. They don’t care that spending what time you have with your nan means more to you than covering a 4 hour shift on a Tuesday. Yeah, I know, they’re running a business, but there’s a severe lack of compassion towards staff who are then seemingly expendable at the shortest of notice. Fuck you.

My biggest supporters are my family and my partner.  They’re my cheer squad. They’re my shoulders to cry on. They’re also my slap in the face when I need a wake up call. That’s why I know that complaining to them about any of this won’t go down well. So sorry WordPress, you’re it.
I’m finishing uni. There’s not ifs or buts. I need to for me, and for my grandparents. It’s the one thing I need to stick with but geez, if someone could please point me in a direction that made sense, that would be awesome. Because this rut just keeps going and going and going.

 

 

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